


I'm scared to show just how I feel

by salvatorestjohn



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: (closet/locker same thing), Canon Rewrite, Episode: s02e13 Cyrano, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Trapped In A Closet, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:34:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25488556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salvatorestjohn/pseuds/salvatorestjohn
Summary: "This is hard for me to say... because I've watched you for so long, and I've always dreamed of telling you how I feel about you... I love you!"Maybe Shawn isn't so much as improvising on the spot as he is admitting how he really feels.
Relationships: Shawn Hunter/Cory Matthews
Comments: 17
Kudos: 82





	I'm scared to show just how I feel

Shawn is definitely panicking. It’s the only thing driving him—in all fairness, it usually is in most situations in his life. But when the fate of said life is relying upon his ability to direct Frankie the Enforcer through flirting? Panic is gonna be his only emotion.

And maybe some of that panic is courtesy of being trapped in a very small locker with Cory. 

He can hear Frankie’s voice from outside the locker, talking to some girl.  _ Think of something, think of something, come on, Hunter _ . He’s flirted a million times and successfully dated a ton of girls, yet he’s blanking  _ now ? _

“Does she sound familiar to you?” Cory whispers.

“Quiet,” Shawn hushes. He’d be lying if he said it wasn’t because even with him pressing his back against the locker as hard as he can and Cory being a good few inches shorter than him, Cory’s voice still sounds like it’s right next to his ear. 

The silence actually isn’t better, he realizes.  _ Okay, just speak _ .

“This is hard for me to say…” he starts, raising his voice just enough for Frankie to be able to hear him. He keeps his eyes fixedly an inch above Cory’s height, staring at the dark metal wall.

_ It’s okay _ , he tells himself, breathing carefully, his mind racing on how to continue. He’s never exactly had to pour his heart out to anyone before, though, and especially not when trying to get a girl to like him. He’s never actually had to think about what he would say, or how he feels about any of them, really.

Cory shifts, nudging his arm pointedly. He doesn’t look at him. His heart is racing in fear of Frankie beating them to a pulp if they mess this up. Frankie’s voice drifts back through in an echo of… not quite what Shawn said. 

He tries not to groan at Frankie’s idiocy as he bangs his head lightly against the wall behind him. Another brush of Cory’s arm against his own, but words are bubbling up in his throat without filtering through his mind first, and he’s desperate, all right? If now isn’t the time to speak without thinking then when is, he asks?

“...because I’ve watched you for so long,” he spills out, shaking his head. Cory moves in the corner of his eyes, and he can feel his eyes on him, but Shawn remains staring straight ahead as he presses on, “and I’ve always dreamed about telling you how I feel about you!”

He listens intently for Frankie’s echo. The pause within the locker is deafening as Frankie stumbles slightly over the words in his haste to try and remember it all. 

Cory’s still staring, but Shawn’s focusing real hard on the girl’s voice as she asks, “What are you saying?”

“I love you!” Shawn says.

Frankie repeats perfectly, for once. And then he’s continuing on his own, apparently with a sudden burst of confidence. Relief begins to flood Shawn. He can check getting beaten to a pulp off of his list of things to do today. 

Feeling his gaze still burning holes into him, Shawn chances a glance at Cory.

It’s a mistake, Shawn decides, as his eyes lock with Cory’s and he can’t seem to tear them away again. He’s helpless but to stare back into Cory’s confusion and attempt at a silent question. A shrug and forced casual look that says “luck?” isn’t a good answer, apparently.

“What was that?” Cory decides to ask with a lopsided smile, deeming expressions alone useless at making his point. “Where did that come from?”

Shawn goes to shrug again and stops himself halfway. Why does his mind go completely blank at the worst moments in his life? 

“Just… thinking on the spot?” The uncertainty in his voice wouldn’t even convince himself.

“Shawn, you’re good, but,” Cory shakes his head, his smile widening, but his confusion creases his forehead more, “that was… something else—”

“It was nothing,” Shawn says before Cory’s even finished speaking. Definitely too quickly. 

Cory stares at him, his smile slipping a little now, turning into a frown. It has the unpredicted effect of making Shawn’s insides squirm like worms under a magnifying glass in the sun. Or is it ants? He never had a magnifying glass as a kid to test that out.

“You’re lying to me,” Cory says slowly, making sure to keep his voice low as Frankie and his mystery girl continue to converse outside the locker. 

Shawn scoffs. Bad move, bad friend move in general, he’s aware, but in truth, his mind maybe isn’t as blank as he’d like it to be, and he doesn’t want to be blurting anything else out. 

“I’m not—” he starts to say, turning his head and focusing his eyes back on that spot inches above Cory, but Cory’s hands on either side of his face pull him back. It also blocks any other words from coming out of his throat. 

“Look at me,” Cory says in a silly voice, laughing quietly as he does. “Shawn, it’s  _ me _ . Cory?”

Shawn can’t speak. Cory is way closer than he originally thought he was. Is he claustrophobic? He’s never thought about it before, and usually he’s fine whenever he’s been in closets or under a bed, yet this locker is feeling really cramped.

He tries to force himself to say something but his throat is as tight as this locker, so all that really results is a stuttered noise that dies back out as Cory keeps hold of his face. His eyes won’t move either. It’s like it’s suddenly impossible to look anywhere else with Cory right there, and that makes sense, actually, he’s felt like that before—

“I…” Shawn starts, but the sentence falls flat as well. Why is his heart still beating so fast? Is this a heart attack? It feels like his chest is about to explode, and his stomach’s following, like he swallowed an entire zoo. He’s not under threat anymore so why is he so terrified?

Cory isn’t smiling anymore. Worry shines in his eyes even in the dark.

“Shawn?” he says quietly. “What? What is it?”

_ What is it? _ Shawn shakes his head slowly, but he can’t move very far with Cory refusing to drop his hands, and he both really wishes he would and also hopes he never lets go. 

“Oh god,” Cory says, eyes widening. Realization has struck. “Oh… I know…” 

Shawn’s own eyes widen in alarm. Oh no. No, he didn’t even say  _ anything _ ! Except what he did say, but that wasn’t incriminating! How can Cory have figured something out from just that?!

“That wasn’t on the spot, was it?” Shawn’s surprised he can even hear Cory over his heart trying to burst his brain. “You meant that… because you’re in love…”

“What?” Shawn shakes his head frantically as Cory’s hands lower from his face, and he decides he misses the contact, for sure. “I’m thirteen, Cor! Of course I’m not--”

“You’re in love with Topanga, aren’t you?”

Shawn freezes. Blanks a little as well, the rest of his defense rendered pointless. For a moment, all he can do is blink at Cory in utter confusion, the complete seriousness in his voice and now on his face throwing him, because surely he’s kidding? 

“To-Topanga?” Shawn repeats incredulously. He pauses for another second. “Well, she’s kind of cute. Great hair. Smart. Nice girl, you know, and that’s always a--”

“So you admit it?” Cory asks, almost sounding  _ annoyed _ .

It certainly snaps Shawn out of his frozen state. 

“Admit—? No, I haven’t admitted anything!” Shawn protests. 

His initial fear has turned to fear of Cory misunderstanding rather than trying to protect whatever it is he’s admitting as Cory just makes a little scoffing noise and is now the one looking away from him. 

“Cory, I am not in love with Topanga!” Shawn insists. 

“Oh yeah?” Cory asks sarcastically. “Who else is there? ‘’I’ve watched you for so long’’? She’s the only girl you’ve known long enough for that to apply to, Shawn!”

“You! I love  _ you _ , Cory!” 

The words leave his mouth and his throat immediately closes up the second after. 

If Shawn thought the pauses before were bad, the silence that comes now is excruciating. His heart has either stopped or is on the brink of exploding, he can’t tell, but there’s a sort of loud ringing in his ears and his head has disconnected from his body. 

Panic had definitely induced that. What was he thinking? Well, he can answer that one: he wasn’t, clearly, or he wouldn’t have said anything! 

Cory doesn’t say anything. The locker isn’t nearly dark enough for either of them to pretend they can’t see the other’s expression. Unfortunately, Shawn has a feeling his is something similar to the one on Cory’s face: shock and confusion. 

_ Backtrack! _ his brain shouts at him.  _ Deny, deny, deny! _

“I didn’t…” Shawn can only shake his head. Didn’t what? Didn’t mean it? 

Yeah, he could say that. He’s said dumb things he didn’t mean before just for a laugh out of Cory. And yeah, this may be a little badly-timed and Cory may be a bit annoyed at him for it for a couple of hours, but he could pull it off, right?

“Didn’t…?” Cory prompts softly. Too soft, too wide-eyed, too tuned in to every one of Shawn’s minuscule reactions. How is he meant to pull off lying straight to his face when that face is about five inches from his own, including the height difference?

_ Oh no. Don’t you dare _ . Shawn’s throat is loosening up, but that doesn’t seem like such a good thing right now. He faintly registers that there are no longer any other voices outside of the locker. 

“Shawn?” 

“Cory?”

They just stare at each other for a moment—a really long moment that might as well be a whole hour as far as Shawn’s concerned.  _ Laugh _ , his mind hisses as if he’s Frankie and it’s Shawn trying to coach him through this. _ Laugh it off! Take it back! _

Shawn doesn’t quite manage a laugh, more of a slight twitch at the corners of his mouth, a kind of smile. It makes Cory’s eyebrows draw further together, but he follows Shawn’s lead. That’s not better, Shawn quickly realizes, because Cory is  _ smiling _ at him, even with no idea why he’s doing it. 

“When you say that you…” Cory pauses, and Shawn’s reminded that they’re in a locker when he feels him try to gesture his hand and it just hits Shawn’s arm. “You know. What does that…?”

“I’m not sure,” Shawn says softly, keeping his own hands firmly by his sides as he picks at the side of his finger with the nail of his thumb. 

Cory, shaking his head, but with his smile widening, says, “I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I,” Shawn confesses. He really shouldn’t be taking the risk of any more confessions this soon, but honestly, he’s a bit lost himself right now. 

He said what he said. And try as he might, he can’t find a part of him that didn’t mean it. Maybe he meant… he loves him like a friend? He does, but...  _ I’ve watched you for so long... _

That can’t be right. Cory is—well, Cory!  _ Exactly _ .

Nothing is making sense, and Cory staring at him like that, waiting for him to say something that actually does make sense for once really isn’t easing his own confusion. He closes his eyes as if that’ll solve his problem, leaning his head back against the locker with a slight thump and a groan.

“You… love me,” Cory says. No question to it. Just trying to piece it together aloud.

_ You can’t love him _ . _ Not like _ that, he thinks bitterly, and anger is rising at himself. What is he doing? Cory is his  _ friend _ , and a  _ boy _ , and his dad’s voice is in his head, and Eddie’s voice, and he  _ can’t— _

“Not just like a best friend?” Cory asks, now with a little more uncertainty.

“I’ll always love you as a best friend, Cor,” Shawn says without opening his eyes.

Cory laughs, and Shawn startles in surprise. “Well, obviously, dummy. But you know what I mean—you love me more than that? As in… you’re  _ in _ love with me?”

Shawn groans, squeezing his eyes tighter. “Don’t, Cory, I didn’t—I shouldn’t have—”

“So, you didn’t mean it?”

“I—” Shawn stops.  _ Say no _ . “I mean… I didn’t…  _ not _ mean it.”

“Shawn?” Cory says, and Shawn risks opening his eyes to peer at him curiously, and a little anxiously. “You are making absolutely no sense.”

“I know!” Shawn bangs his head against the wall again and immediately regrets it, wincing at the slight pain but ignoring it for the most part. “I’m sorry! I just—I said it without thinking, and I don’t know what I meant either! I mean, I do, but I  _ shouldn’t _ and I don’t want to be—”

“Hey, whoa, calm down, Shawn!” 

Cory isn’t smiling or laughing anymore. He’s watching Shawn with such concern, hands reaching out to him which really only results in him holding his arms. He doesn’t speak as Shawn tries to calm his breathing that definitely would have given away their hiding spot if anyone was still outside.

For once, he actually wishes his mind was blank; he can’t handle this tornado that’s ripping everything up at the roots inside of him, ripping his own roots.  _ God, what does that even mean? _ He doesn’t have roots! They up and left with his home, and his mom, and his dad.

There’s a pause inside of the locker, but the silence doesn’t feel so silent inside Shawn’s head. It’s still jarring when Cory breaks it. 

“You’re scared,” Cory notes softly, with total confusion. 

“Well, duh!” Shawn says, trying to throw his hands out in frustration. They both hit metal and he curses. “This is  _ so _ not my day!” 

“Scared of—of being in love?” Cory asks. “Or of being in love with me?”

“Would you quit saying that?!”

“So the second one then?”

“Yes! Obviously!” Shawn explodes, finally looking Cory properly in the eyes. “It’s not—I can’t be! Why are you not freaking out more about this, or—I don’t know, but you shouldn’t be  _ this  _ okay after everything I said!”

Cory gives a bemused chuckle. “Shawn, you barely said anything!”

“I said enough!” Shawn retorts. “Too much! I—I shouldn’t feel this way! Not about you!”

“Because I’m your best friend and you don’t want to ruin that?” Cory raises his eyebrows. “Or because I’m… not a girl?”

Shawn scoffs and desperately wants to cover his ears, or bang his head against something, or just shut Cory up, at the very least! Why won’t he stop talking? He tries to turn away from him, but the best he gets is turning his head so far his cheek is nearly touching the cool metal that’s starting to feel too hot, and maybe he _ is _ claustrophobic. 

“Guessing the second one again…” Cory says, so casual, as if this is a perfectly normal conversation for them to be having. “Shawn. You do know that it’s not… bad or wrong to like boys, don’t you?”

His heart beats louder in protest to Cory’s words.  _ No, he’s lying _ .  _ He’s wrong _ . His whole body is frozen. Not that he could really move much in the first place, but now he’s barely breathing. Self-loathing bites at the inside of his cheek with his teeth, the only thing keeping his eyes open and as focused as possible. 

“Shawn,” Cory says, pointedly this time, moving slightly and drawing his blurry gaze to him. “It’s okay. Come on, have you ever seen anyone bother Eric about it? Maybe one or two people, sure, but the majority don’t really care!”

Thrown off, Shawn shakes his head, frowning. “Wait, what? Eric?”

Cory’s eyebrows raise, and he practically grins in surprise. “Seriously? You’re telling me you didn’t know? Eric’s been dating Jason for nearly a year!”

“What?” Shawn breathes, his head spinning. That can’t be right. He would have heard someone say something, hell, he should have seen something! “But he’s—he’s always flirting with any girl that walks by.”

“Yeah, he and Jason just do it for fun, I think, but they never actually go out with any of the girls, and everyone knows that the two of them are off-limits even if they do joke around,” Cory explains with a shrug, totally unfazed. 

“But—” Shawn doesn’t know how to react. He’s known Eric for years… yet he’s never heard anyone say anything about it, to him or behind his back… surely it would have been a bigger deal? 

Cory seems to be able to read his mind, shaking his head again as his grin drops slightly. “No one cares, Shawn, like I told you. Sure, there’s gonna be a couple of people. But that’s kind of unavoidable, you know? Like most things.”

“But…” Shawn starts again, bites harder on the inside of his cheek as his eyes drop a few inches away from Cory’s line of sight. “My dad said… he always said that it wasn’t the way things were supposed to be… it just isn’t right, you know?”

Understanding dawns on Cory. His eyes cloud for a second with an unreadable look, steely and not completely unfamiliar, but a pretty rare sight. Then it dissipates and his eyes are all soft and his smile is warm and kind and so totally Cory. 

“Would you say that Eric isn’t right?” he asks.

“Well…” Shawn says, lifting an eyebrow and cracking a small smile. 

Cory chuckles. “That’s fair. But, you see what I’m saying? It’s not something to be scared of, I don’t think. Although, saying that, hearing you say you’re in love with me has absolutely petrified me because I actually thought you were in love with Topanga and was not prepared for this situation in the slightest.”

Shawn breathes out a soft laugh. “Hey, I wasn’t prepared either. But I had to think of something to say to help Frankie out, and that was the first thing I got.”

“So…” Cory shrugs, holding his gaze, “...you did mean it?”

The question immediately steals all of the air out of Shawn’s lungs again. But it doesn’t feel as heavy and crushing as it had before. Still absolutely terrifying, and everything inside of him squirms in an attempt to escape the situation. 

But Cory doesn’t look scared. Or angry, or upset at all. Just curious. Just Cory.

“I... yeah. Yeah, I meant it,” Shawn whispers, his voice shaking. 

Cory nods slowly, letting the words digest, processing them. That isn’t any less scary, until Cory starts smiling. That’s… confusing. He may have imagined a scenario where he's told Cory something along these lines before, but it's certainly never gone like this.

“Okay,” Cory says at last.

Shawn stares. “Okay? That’s—that’s your reaction?”

Cory shrugs, smile widening. “Yeah. You’re in love with me. And that’s okay. I love you, too.”

Shawn’s heart misses a very crucial beat, throwing off his entire rhythm. He’s almost positive his mouth is hanging open, but not a single word is coming out of it. Once again, his mind is drawing a total blank. 

“But like… in the best friend way, right?” he asks, using his own foot to stamp out the fly of hope that’s buzzing just got significantly louder. “I mean, you don’t…”

“I’ll always love you as a best friend,” Cory echoes to him with a cheeky grin that has Shawn about to roll his eyes and resign himself, before Cory continues on to say, “but it’s a little more than that as well.”

What is  _ happening _ today? Shawn gawps at him, shaking his head. That fly is buzzing awfully loudly, but he’s so thrown that he doesn’t bother to swat it out of the way this time, letting it circle higher. 

“You  _ like _ me?” Shawn asks incredulously. 

“I _ love _ you,” Cory corrects, and looks like he’s having the time of his life. His grin grows, that goofy look on his face. “Hey, that was good to say. Fun. And I kind of feel lighter, you know?”

Shawn can’t fight his smile. Disbelieving, in awe, and yeah, he’ll have to admit it now, pretty much smitten. Maybe he does feel a little lighter, now that he’s thinking about it.

“I thought you were in love with Topanga,” Shawn says, raising an eyebrow. It seems almost funny to say now, after being accused himself of the exact same thing just a few minutes ago. 

Cory seems to be on the same train of thought. “You assumed, I let you. Although, I remember telling you a million times that I’m not in love with her.”

Shawn shrugs. “I don’t really listen a lot of the time.”

Cory makes a noise of agreement that makes Shawn’s smile widen involuntarily, but he’s not unhappy about it.

“Um… just—just one thing, then,” he says, biting his lip. “What, uh… what exactly does this mean? I mean… actually, I don’t know what I mean anymore, please help me.”

Laughing, Cory nods, a fond look on his face that makes Shawn certain that, no matter what, everything’s going to be okay. He’ll always have Cory. That’s all he needs. 

“I thought you were the expert in this area,” Cory says, half teasing, half just as lost as Shawn, clearly. But even so, he gazes at Shawn for a moment, then nods with a little more certainty as well. “Well… we’ve both said how we feel… would you say that that would typically lead to the start of a relationship? Or do we have to go on a date first? Because you’re paying.”

Shawn’s insides have stopped squirming. He laughs, nodding along with him now. 

“Well, we’ve practically been dating for the last thirteen years already, wouldn’t you say? Wouldn’t really be a first date,” he reasons, and there’s definitely no weight on his chest when he says it like there always was before when they joked like this. 

“You just don’t want to pay, do you?” Cory says in mock accusation, narrowing his eyes. Then he sighs, giving a theatrical roll of his eyes. “You make good points, though. But, uh, if that means going straight to, you know, boyfriends… how do you wanna handle that?”

Shawn gets what he’s talking about. The thought of anyone else knowing is infinitely more terrifying than this whole situation was, and that’s really saying something since his heart still hasn’t slowed yet. But, people usually assume it about them anyway a lot of the time… and Eric doesn’t seem bothered by any of it, apparently, something that is definitely going to take some time to wrap his head around…

“I don’t mind if people know,” he says, rubbing at his finger with the nail of his thumb. “So long as you’re not planning on breaking up with me anytime soon?”

Cory’s smile somehow seems even more melting than it already did. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Shawn nods, taking a deep breath, his shoulders relaxing a tiny bit of their tension. “Good. Okay. That’s good, then.”

With quiet falling back over them, it’s very easy to become aware of the fact that they are, in fact, still inside of a locker. Shawn has no idea why, but a grin slowly takes over his face, and Cory’s mirroring him. It all feels  _ laughable _ now. 

He definitely isn’t expecting Cory to lean in and kiss him really quickly. Shawn’s standing there for a moment in surprise, while Cory’s looking sheepish.

“Yeah, that’s allowed,” he decides, his grin widening. 

He leans in this time, barely giving Cory’s lit-up face a chance to relax before he kisses him. Just a little longer than the first, and Cory actually kisses him back. It’s really nice. But he wouldn’t expect doing anything with Cory to feel any different. 

Shawn pulls back ever so slightly with not much more room to move in. Before either of them can speak, the bell rings, loud and echoing like it’s blasting right into their eardrums. They both groan, and it, thankfully, stops quickly. 

“I’m thinking we should get out of the locker now,” Cory says.

“Yeah, I’m thinking the same.”

Cory glances at the little slats on the door. “Do you think it’s all clear? We kinda left Frankie out there a while… oh no.”

“Ah, I’m sure he’s fine,” Shawn says, brushing it off. “He and his new girlfriend probably left, if he didn’t mess up too badly--”

“No, Shawn, I just remembered,” Cory cuts him off, wide-eyed and back to panicking. “The girl—I figured out who she is! Harley Keiner’s girlfriend!”

All of the blood drains from Shawn’s face and that light-headed feeling is coming back around.

“Oh,  _ no _ … you’re right… why didn’t you say something before?!”

Cory stares at him in disbelief. “Because you distracted me! It was a bit hard to focus on one thing when you’re confessing your love for me at the same time!”

“Hey, how long are you gonna hold that over me?”

Rolling his eyes, Cory ignores him and pushes the locker door open. They both stumble out into the hall that’s quickly filling with students. It’s at least good to be able to breathe properly. And stretch more than an inch in front of him. 

“Okay, I don’t see either of them,” Shawn says, scanning the sea of people. 

“Me neither. You’re probably right, they left together already,” Cory agrees, head bobbing up and down, and it really sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself the longer he goes on, “no one knows that we did anything. Technically, we’re innocent!”

“Not so sure Harley’ll see it that way…”

Cory grimaces. He turns to Shawn. 

“Harley will never find out,” he says determinedly. “No one saw us, we know nothing! We just need to keep out of Harley’s way for a few days, until the shock of it has blown over, and we’re clear of possibly being accused!”

Shawn swallows. “Uh, yeah. I think that’s gonna be kinda difficult.”

Cory goes completely still. A grim look of resignation settles onto his face. “Harley’s gonna be right behind me, isn’t he? It’s Harley, right?” he asks, already nodding to himself as he turns and Shawn’s eyes follow to Harley, looming threateningly over the two of them with a menacing scowl.  _ Maybe being beaten to a pulp is back on the list after all _ . 


End file.
